but you have done so much for me
so now i shall write about you
but where do i even begin ?

at the idea that, i will begin to know you as i to relate my ideas to your actual being?
i will try and that will satisfy my hunger for knowing and figuring out exactly who, or what, you are 

you don't want to face reality i know that much
because if you did you wouldn't hide behind pot

but what are you hiding?
what don't you want to  face? what are you so scared of?
reality alone is enough to scare me away from it.
but you, you are so much more complicated than that

why don't you care about 'important' life situations?
or do you actually but want to make it seem as though you don't because if you did you would have to face them and that is too much for you?

why don't you care about school or your future?
most teenagers don't either. 
but how can anyone not? doesn't anyone want to be better than this ? better than who they are right now?
or is that just me? maybe i am just as fucked up as everyone else is because i am running and that seems to be my motivation.

i asked you if you wanted to leave this town you said no.
and i was genuinely shocked because everyone who grew up here wants to leave here.
has running away from the only places you once called home make one want to now call this a permanent home?
i guess i would do the same as you
but me, i need the city and blinding lights and speedways and life.

i need to get away and be greater than this small town bullshit

i know you feel infinite when you drive fast
like nothing you ever were before
i know because i am just like you
i know it makes you feel alive
i know, although you are not, it makes you feel more powerful than anyone else on the road
then that corporate business manager with three kids and a wife
you are better than he is for that moment
you are defying everything and everyone 
you are powerful, alive, you can feel it in your bones
maybe like writing for me, the road is your paper and the wheel is your heart 

so write me a story with your engine 
the best part is you can slow and even park whenever you need to babe 
unlike life, the highway never ends and the exit ramp is just a detour to more crap destined to devour you

roll down the windows and feel the wind brush against your golden skin 
it whispers
it dares you to go faster
and you do

fuck the speed limit, the law, fuck the rules
you live your life like you drive your car 
funny how i put that together huh 

i realized that as i looked out your window fucking stoned out of my mind
and i like that though so much 

reckless, alive, fast.

and although some people may not agree with this way of living,
i goddamn envy you because if i was even close to living my life as such
i would be satisfied.

i realize you are more of an artist than me in a way.
i am not the girl for you 
i have come to that realization
but i still want you because, don't we all want what we can't have?

i love you


 

mood: indescribable music: dum dadum dum

but i will.

I do feel alone a lot. 
I do find my mindset alarming 
I don't like myself 


all these thoughts could publish novels
but I want to save them, explore them when i want to 
leave them a mystery so I can say i AM more than this



but in reality 
reality

I am not.
math science 
art english 


i could write something meaningful tonight 
this morning whatever


but i want to write nonsense 
because thats truly what i am- fucking nonsense


i could own this livejournal teenage shit
i could own it 
the potential i deny 
the potential i never really --


5 am and I've got so much more to loose to this screen

blaring white and pure unlike thoughts and shit my mind's crazzyyyy
because i wasn't supposed to write bullshit tonight i was supposed to say what i wanted and leave but thats not me and that will never be me because i am too fucking complicated to sit down and write  I AM ALONE without getting into other crap that will never mean anything to ANYONE.


And as the snow collected on rooftops, Sarah sat alone in her room thinking of how Christmas really doesn't mean anything to her, and how 
the brightness of outside was taunting her at that hour of morning, 

Hey Sarah

I don't like you.


I'm going to sleep
because if i don't i am scared of where my mind will take me

i can hear it 
i can hear it 


it wants me to give in.


It wants to play.